This article was reviewed by Mike Bohl, MD.
Are you in a intimacy dry spell in your relationship? You’re not the only one.
Losing interest in intimacy at some point in your relationship is common, especially in long-term relationships. According to one 2017 study of over 11,000 men and women, 15 percent of men and 34.2 percent of women reported losing interest in intimacy for three months or more in the previous year. Women who had been in relationships for more than a year were likelier to lose interest than those whose relationships were newer.
Can a rut be avoided? Or do all long-term relationships inevitably lead to less intimacy?
To get some answers, we spoke to Deb Castaldo, PhD, LCSW, MS, a New York-based couples therapist and author of the forthcoming book, The Return to Love Playbook.
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Dry Spell Meaning in a Relationship
Before we get to Dr. Castaldo’s tips to reignite your intimate life, you should know that dry spells don’t necessarily mean the end of your relationship.
A dry spell refers to a prolonged period of reduced or absent intimate activity in a relationship. According to the ISSM, common causes of a dry spell include stress, communication problems, and hormonal changes that affect one’s drive.
Dr. Castaldo says that dry spells also happen because couples stop putting energy into maintaining intimacy. Once you do put in the work, she says that intimate health can remain vibrant until the end of life.
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How Do You Fix a Dry Spell In a Relationship?
Though there are medical reasons that your drive might have ebbed (we’ll expand more on that below), Dr. Castaldo’s tips focus on dry spells resulting from a lack of connection between a couple and how to repair it.
According to Dr. Castaldo, getting out of a long dry spell takes consistent action, creativity, and open communication. She also says it’s important to remember that “[intimacy] should be rejuvenating, refreshing, and, of course, for play. It’s not all that serious.” By taking on a playful attitude, you can reclaim your intimate connection.
Here are a few of Dr. Castaldo’s tips for keeping intimacy vibrant in a long-term relationship.
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Focus on Your Companionship
According to Dr. Castaldo, the first step in getting out of a dry spell is to focus on your friendship. “Focus on your companionship and friendship first in order to fuel your erotic passion,” she says. “If you have been inactive for a long time, possibly even decades, work on reinvigorating your companionship and togetherness before attempting to jump into [intimate] activity. Build the emotional connection and closeness first.”
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Work on Communication
“Great [intimacy] is built on great, open communication,” says Dr. Castaldo. “Start sharing your [intimate] desires, interests, and fantasies with one another. Those aspects may change over time, so it is important to keep communication flowing.”
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Stage Your Sanctuary
Is your bedroom inviting and relaxing? Or is it a turn-off because of work papers, laundry baskets, and kids’ toys? Dr. Castaldo recommends making your bedroom a “private, pleasing retreat for intimacy.” Couples should consider revamping their intimate space and remember to have a lock for their door.
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Go on a Shopping Spree
They say you can’t buy love, but: “Shopping for new attire, accessories, and toys together can be a huge turn-on or at least a hilarious adventure,” says. Dr. Castaldo. You can even find female-friendly adult movies with an actual storyline.
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Do One Small Thing Differently Each Time
It’s common for intimate encounters to feel routine if you’ve been in a relationship for an extended period. “If you’ve gotten stuck in repetitive, boring [intimacy], try committing to doing one small thing differently each time,” advises Dr. Castaldo.
“Unearth your creativity and don’t be afraid to experiment, but be sure to discuss each other’s boundaries and be respectful of those.”
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Try the “Shrink Wrap Hug”
Many people don’t know how to initiate intimacy after dry spells. “If you have not been together in a long time, a good way to reactivate desire is to wrap yourselves around one another in a comfortable position, and hold each other until completely relaxed,” says Dr. Castaldo. Couples should agree to have no expectation of intimacy. “The goal is simply getting comfortable with one another again,” she adds. “Try to pace each other by breathing together and matching and aligning yourselves heart to heart.”
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Twenty-Second Hugs and Six-Second Kisses
Dr. Castaldo says that lingering in twenty-second hugs and six-second kisses can boost affectionate touch and activate the desire for initiating intimacy. “The ‘love chemicals’ get released in the brain when touch, hugs, and kisses are more than a chicken peck or a brush while passing by in the hall,” she explains.
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Steam It Up
“Heat is a great aphrodisiac,” says Dr. Castaldo. “There are a variety of ways you can literally add heat to your [intimate] experience. Pile on as many down comforters as you have, seal yourselves under them, and let the sweat pour! Another great activity is to turn up the heat, turn on a hot shower, and create your own personal steam room to enjoy with one another.”
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Keep Your Eyes Open
Keep the lights on and your eyes open, advises Dr. Castaldo. “Try locking into one another with eye contact and stay closely focused on each other throughout your experience, and don’t blink for the best part: an intense ending.”
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Our Extra Tips to Consider
In many cases, a dry spell can result from treatable issues that have long gone untreated. For men, this can include hormonal imbalances like low testosterone or dysfunctions like ED or PE. Or, it can be linked to mental health issues that can be addressed through therapy or couples counseling. To have better intimacy, consider speaking with an expert to see if there’s a treatment plan for your exact needs.
If intimacy is off the table, there are also other ideas to consider to maintain physical intimacy, like mutually going solo or oral. You can also explore different ways to express affection, like cuddling or making out.
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A Final Word on How to Keep Intimacy Fresh In a Long-Term Relationship
Not sure how to enjoy intimacy after a long time without it? Consider these tips:
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Remember that a dry spell in a relationship doesn’t mean the end. Dry spells are common and can happen for various reasons outside your control, like medical conditions, mental health issues, and more. But they can also occur because couples stop putting energy into maintaining their intimate relationship.
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You must take action to get out of a dry spell. Dr. Castaldo suggests working on your companionship and communication, shopping for accessories, making your bedroom a sanctuary, and more.
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Get extra support if needed. If your lack of intimacy is linked to issues like mental health problems or dysfunctions, consider seeing an intimacy therapist or other healthcare provider to get the help you need.
Dr. Castaldo says when you’ve been together a long time, intimacy is more about “being with one another and providing mutual pleasure, rather than expecting desire to magically activate itself.”
Try her tips to activate each other instead.
This article originally appeared on Hims.com and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org.
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