This article was reviewed by Mike Bohl, MD.
You’ve probably heard of the “three-date rule” — or maybe even the five-date one — when it comes to having intimacy. But the truth is, there’s no universal timeline.
Or better yet, you and your partner are free to make your own rules.
Every intimate relationship is unique and runs on its own clock. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to intimacy, whether you’re wondering how long you should wait to have intimacy again with a new partner or how often you should be having intimacy in a long-term relationship.
Still, you might be wondering how many dates before intimacy is typical for most people, whether it’s okay to have intimacy on the first date, and how to know if it’s the right time for the first time with someone new.
Here’s what we know.
How Long Should You Date Before Intimacy?
Anyone who follows a third-date rule for intimacy probably learned it from Carrie Bradshaw. In an early episode of the hit show, the most conservative friend in the group, Charlotte, warns the protagonist, Carrie, that she shouldn’t have intimacy on the first date if she’s serious about a guy.
When Carrie suggests the third date as an appropriate milestone, Charlotte counters with a fifth-date rule because “the number of dates that you wait to have intimacy with a man is directly proportional to your age.”
That line may have worked for a late-90s sitcom, but real-life intimacy isn’t bound by a formula.
The truth is, there’s no magic number for how long you should date before having intimacy. If waiting five dates feels right for you and your partner, go for it. If you both want first-date intimacy, that’s fine, too.
Average Number of Dates Before Intimacy
The data on how long people typically wait before intimacy is limited.
According to one 2014 study of over 10,000 unmarried people in romantic relationships, around 47 percent waited to have intimacy after a few weeks of dating, while 35.5 percent had intimacy on the first date or within the first few weeks.
Nearly 10 percent had intimacy before they went on a date, maybe indicating a more casual situation, and 6.6 percent abstained entirely.
This study linked waiting to initiate intimate activity to more positive relationship outcomes like increased satisfaction, stability, and communication. However, it didn’t clarify whether the timing of intimacy causes these positive relationship outcomes or if couples who are more satisfied, stable, or communicative are more likely to delay intimacy. Intimacy timing is just one of many factors affecting relationship health.
A smaller survey by Groupon found that, on average, men wait roughly five dates before having intimacy, while women wait around nine dates. It also found that the typical American adult waits until the second date for a kiss.
But there are holes in this data, too. The survey didn’t include non-binary individuals, it didn’t account for differences in orientation, and it lacked details about the participants’ racial, cultural, or religious backgrounds — all of which could influence how long someone waits to have intimacy.
Dates Before intimacy and the Nuances of Modern Dating
Even more confusing, neither study breaks down what constitutes a “date.” A movie night? A walk in the park? Streaming something together on the couch? Everyone defines a “date” a little differently.
What about online dating? And what if you meet in the morning, separate during the day, and meet up again at night? Is that two dates or just one?
When you start trying to put a timeline on your intimacy life, things get murky—all the more reason not to worry about exactly how many dates before intimacy is best. It’s better to base your readiness on how you feel, not how you think you should feel.
Is It Okay to Have Intimacy on a First Date?
Yes, it’s more than okay to have intimacy on a first date if you and your partner are on the same page.
Great intimacy is consensual intimacy. If you or your partner ever feel hesitant about having it (even if you’ve already started), then it’s not the right time. Consent can be withdrawn at any time for any reason.
Some people even advocate having intimacy on the first date. One perspective comes from writer Maria Del Russo, who argues that being physically intimate early on can pave the way for emotional closeness. “Getting the physical intimacy out of the way early opens the door to more emotional intimacy, in my opinion. Plus, do you know how disappointing it is to build that emotional intimacy with someone only to realize that the compatibility isn’t there?”
Fair question.
If you do decide to have intimacy, it’s always a good idea to play it safe. Lower your risk of STIs (transmitted infections) by using a condom every time.
How to Know If It’s the Right Time to Have Intimacy
It’s the right time to have intimacy if you and your partner both want to have it. It’s as simple as that.
If you’re unsure if your partner wants to have intimacy, ask them and respect their answer. In any case, it’s going to take open and honest communication.
Here are some clues you’re ready to take the next step:
- You feel safe in each other’s company
- Neither of you is so drunk that you can’t actively give consent
- You’re able to discuss and maintain boundaries
- Neither of you feels pressured to have intimacy
How Long Should You Wait to Have intimacy With Someone? The Bottom Line
Whether you’re looking for a serious relationship or casual intimacy, there’s no set number of dates in terms of when you should have intimacy for the first time with a new partner. If you’re feeling the chemistry and you’ve expressed interest in moving forward, don’t let outdated norms and fictitious rules hold you back.
When considering how many dates before intimacy, remember this:
- There are no set rules. The number of dates before intimacy varies for every couple (or throuple or more). There’s no magic number indicating when it’s right to get intimate, whether it’s the third, fifth, or first date. What matters is mutual comfort and readiness.
- Consent and communication are vital. The most important factors in determining whether to have intimacy are clear communication and consent. If either partner feels unsure, pressured, or uncomfortable, it’s not the right time, regardless of how many dates you’ve been on.
- Intimacy on the first date is totally okay. If both partners are on the same page, there’s nothing wrong with having intimacy on the first date. In fact, some people believe it can help assess compatibility early in a relationship to avoid potential disappointments later on.
- Focus on how you feel, not on timelines. Instead of following someone else’s rules on when to have intimacy, pay attention to your readiness and comfort level and go from there.
How many dates until intimacy? Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong answer. That’s up to you and your partner — not Carrie Bradshaw — to decide.
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This article originally appeared on Hims.com and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org.
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