This article was reviewed by Martin Miner, MD.
Nobody should judge their intimate life by a kitchen timer. But if the period between the start of your arousals and cuddle time is shorter than the heat-up time for a PopTart, you might be wondering whether or not you’re measuring up.
The question of how long intimacy should last is a complicated one to answer, in part because there isn’t much research on the topic. Also, experts don’t fully agree on what constitutes intimacy — and you may not, either.
Below, we’ll lay out the current data (and its limitations) and share some ways to last longer for the guys who want intimacy to last as long as possible.
How Long Does Intimacy Last on Average?
Let’s get this right from the beginning: There’s no medically agreed-upon “correct” duration for intimacy. All the scientists in all the land can’t tell you and your partner what amount of time spent doing the deed is right or wrong.
That said, we have some data to construct a potential framework for identifying the optimal duration of intimacy among all humans — more on that in a moment.
First, some context. How long intimacy “should” last isn’t really something we can answer. Why? Partners don’t always have the same needs, preferences, warm-up times or expectations. (And let’s be honest: Not everyone has endless time to spend on intimacy.)
With intimacy among heterosexual couples, for instance, the receiving partner may need longer to finish — but they might also experience more discomfort the longer intimacy lasts.
Likewise, the giving partner might be inclined to finish sooner but delay to please their partner.
That’s just for intimacy — other acts can have entirely different time frames.
The Statistics on How Long Intimacy Lasts
In one published study, intimacy therapists found that IELT — the duration of a typical intimacy session — lasts three to 13 minutes on average.
Once they had their average time range, the study’s researchers looked at satisfaction among both partners. They concluded that two minutes or less is considered too short (bummer), three to seven minutes is adequate for most (cool), seven to 13 minutes is desirable (sweet), and 10 to 30 minutes is too long (ouch).
When it comes down to it, some guys just don’t last that long during intimacy — a point confirmed by a Japanese study of intimacy in couples.
For the women interviewed for the study, the average desired time was 15.7 minutes, but the estimated average time spent having intimacy for most couples was only 13.6 minutes. For the math guys in the room, that’s more than two minutes short of the desired click of the stopwatch.
The researchers noted two caveats to their data. First, some couples are simply mismatched, with varying desires for each partner. Also, they didn’t have any medical advice to offer those experiencing frequent dissatisfaction.
Factors That Affect How Long Intimacy Lasts
Of course, not everyone experiences intimacy in the same way. While 13 minutes could feel great to some, it might become painful for others — or not even get them started.
Several prominent variables can affect a person’s ideal duration for intimacy.
How You Define Intimacy
We don’t always agree about whether to include the intimate texting, flirting, and teasing that comes before it. This is why it’s crucial to discuss not just longer intimacy but the definition of intimacy itself.
You and your partner can experience plenty of pleasurable activity without ever doing a specific deed. Toys, oral, mutual going solo, and a long list of other activities can give everyone the satisfaction they crave without intimacy ever technically occurring.
To make matters worse, many people don’t separate “everything else” from the entering part. In other words, when you hear someone talking numbers at a party, you’d have to ask creepy follow-up questions to actually glean useful information.
Age
While you may expect age to be a factor in how long intimacy lasts, you might be surprised to learn that being older doesn’t actually reduce your average duration — old guys don’t get faster on the trigger, so to speak.
In fact, there’s lots of evidence suggesting that PE is a younger man’s affliction — but we’re not going to get into that today.
We’ll leave it at this: although the old guy may have trouble getting the rocket to achieve liftoff, he’s far less likely to have it explode before it hits the atmosphere.
PE
Intimate encounters are sometimes cut short due to a medical condition known as PE. It’s one of the most common dysfunction issues affecting men, along with ED.
Some estimates put the rate of men affected by PE as high as 39 percent. But we can more safely state that shame, social stigma and other factors probably prevent accurate data from being compiled — because it’s a hard problem to own up to.
Science is still unsure how PE happens, but research suggests prostate issues, abnormal hormone levels or serotonin issues could be risk factors.
Likewise, depression, anxiety, unrealistic performance expectations, stress and lack of confidence can contribute to intimate dysfunction. The same goes for body image issues, internalized guilt, a history of abuse or repression.
Tips for Longer-Lasting Intimacy
The desire to deal with PE is totally valid.
Sadly, there are no known PE “cures” to speak of. However, research has some modestly encouraging data to support a few medications, techniques and other strategies for lasting longer.
Here’s what might help:
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Topical treatments. Benzocaine wipes, sprays and other topical numbing solutions can be used to reduce sensitivity in your privates and help you last longer.
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SSRI medication. Taking SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) might delay discharge for some men. These antidepressant medications were shown to successfully improve PE problems over a four-week period in one study.
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The start-stop method. The start-stop technique can help you achieve better intimacy without medication. It involves doing the deed right up until finishing, pausing before you discharge, then continuing on.
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Kegel exercises. Kegels can build stamina and control by strengthening pelvic floor muscles.
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The squeeze technique. This method involves literally squeezing the tip of your privates when you’re about to finish and continuing to do so for 30 seconds until the desire to finish subsides.
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Open communication. Communicating with your partner can involve discussing desires during and outside of bedroom activities or just admitting your fears. It can also help you both get the satisfaction you crave.
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A mixed bag of tricks. Seriously, everything from oral and extended steaminess to toys and numbing creams for PE can help you run out the clock just a little longer.
How Long Does Good Intimacy Last? The Bottom Line
There are various PE treatments that can extend your intimacy session for a few extra minutes or more. But while intimate function is an important part of satisfaction, we’re still pretty sure communication is number one.
Want to make your partner’s intimate life better? Here’s what to talk with them about when you bring up this topic:
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There’s no official average time intimacy should last because intimacy is a collection of experiences that often extend beyond entering.
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Still, communicating with your partner about what you each do and don’t enjoy is essential to great intimacy.
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Medication, techniques, numbing topicals and toys are all great ways to fudge the numbers, get your partner off and take the focus off your stamina.
If you’re suffering from occasional or frequent non-starter intimate experiences, you might need to face ED head-on. ED can be a serious problem, often signaling bigger issues with your weight, blood pressure, emotional well-being and overall health.
Make no mistake: Better, longer-lasting intimacy is yours to be had. You just have to take the actions to get it.
This article originally appeared on Hims.com and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org.
Featured Image Credit: stefanamer/istockphoto.
