If your parent is unhappy in assisted living, offer them emotional support. Sometimes the stress of moving may be the cause. When talking to your parent, keep in mind that they may need someone to listen, not someone to solve their problems. However, sometimes an assisted living community may not be a good fit for social or cultural reasons. If so, it may be better for your parent to move out of their assisted living community. Finding the right support and social atmosphere can make a difference in happiness and satisfaction.
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How to talk to your parent about their unhappiness in assisted living
Talking about emotions can feel uncomfortable and challenging for many people. It’s difficult at times to find the right words or find the right place to start. This is especially true when facing the stress of your parent having trouble adjusting to assisted living or wanting to leave their assisted living community. Something like relocation stress syndrome might affect your loved one after their move, making it hard for them to see any good in the transition and wanting to leave.
However, taking a few moments to prepare before talking with them about their stressors can lead to more productive conversations. Utilize the following steps to feel more confident talking to your parent about their unhappiness.
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Know your own communication style
Start with some self-reflection about how you have handled tough emotional conversations in the past. How do you communicate most effectively? What has worked well in the past? Jot down things that you know help you communicate well.
Having an outline may help some people communicate well, while others communicate better with organic conservations, says Jordan McCoy, LIMHP, MS, a family counselor and former president of the Nebraska Counseling Association.
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Make your parent feel “heard”
Strive to be an active listener. This means you’ll truly listen with an open heart and mind. Avoid interrupting your parent, jumping to conclusions, or trying to prove that your parent is “wrong.”
“We want to ensure we are not belittling them by invalidating their emotions, trying to fix it, or trying to problem solve for them,” McCoy says. “It’s important we seek to listen, hear their perspective fully, validate that these emotions must be hard, and sit with them in this space.”
Aim for “I” statements rather than only putting the focus on them. If you’re having trouble understanding what your parent is communicating, try saying to them, “What I hear you saying is…” and repeat what you think they told you. This can help prevent misunderstandings and increase feelings of connection and trust.
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Respect your parent’s feelings
You love your parent and want to help your parent live their best life, but that doesn’t mean you need to throw on your superhero cape just yet. Resist the urge to override your parent’s emotions with toxic positivity or to tell them how they should feel.
“As humans, we often try to fix others’ emotions, but that is oftentimes not needed and feels like a form of disrespect,” McCoy says. “Fixing others’ emotions can make others feel ‘broken.’”
Try to put yourself in your parent’s place. Offer them the same compassion, empathy, and understanding that you would want someone to offer you in this situation.
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How to help when your father or mother is not adjusting to assisted living
After speaking to your parent, take time to sit with the emotions and information that they’ve shared with you. If things became heated during your conversation, it may be sensible to take time to cool off and look back on the conversation with fresh eyes later on.
When you feel ready to move forward, you can do the following things to provide support to your parent.
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Acknowledge the normalcy of “negative” emotions
Many feel a societal push to be happy all the time. However, this is not always realistic, nor is it the complete picture of healthy emotional maturity. Our universal experience as humans can encompass many different emotions outside of happiness.
“Unhappiness in life is normal and does not always mean we need a professional to help — we might just need a loved one to listen, to be there with us, to validate, and care about us,” says McCoy.
It can be normal for your loved one to talk about things they miss from living at home. Active listening to these feelings can help them transition into their new environment.
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Encourage your parent’s social connections
Safe and loving relationships can bring joy and contentment to your parent’s life. It’s important to encourage your parent to nurture or develop new relationships in assisted living.
This can be a major adjustment for your loved one. They may feel shy about trying to build new friendships in their assisted living community after years of relying upon established relationships in their familiar neighborhood.
“We are all hard-wired for connection from the moment we are conceived until our death,” says McCoy. “We can think of a lot of quick fixes to promoting happiness, but research shows the number one thing to sustained happiness and joy is a connection with other humans.”
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Offer gentle guidance and support
It’s important to respect your parent’s autonomy by resisting the urge to tell them what to do. You need to recognize that what brings you joy may not be the same thing for them.
You may want to consider helping them to understand the benefits of assisted living. It’s also helpful to encourage them to do the following:
- Make a list of the things they would appreciate in their assisted living community (for example, meals prepared for them, personal care support, or new social connections)
- Invite family members or established friends to visit them in their assisted living community.
- Join clubs or activities within their assisted living community to increase friendship opportunities and relationship building.
- Speak with a counselor or spiritual leader of their choice.
- Seek medical treatment for early symptoms of mental health issues or cognitive concerns.
However, your parent’s wishes need to be respected whenever possible. Don’t push them to participate in something they aren’t comfortable with — think about how you feel when someone pushes you to do something that you don’t enjoy, and treat your parent accordingly.
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What to do if your parent wants to leave assisted living
Sometimes the answer to the question “Should I move my parent out of this assisted living community?” is simply “yes.” Even the most well-rated, seemingly perfect assisted living community may not be the right fit for every single person who walks through its doors.
The following can be valid reasons to seek alternative senior care options:
- A cultural mismatch. Your parent may feel out of place in a community that doesn’t match their lifelong cultural habits. They may feel more at home in a community focused on their traditions, foods, and language.
- A lifestyle mismatch. A parent may prefer the hustle and bustle of city life at their fingertips. If they’re living in a community in a rural or suburban area with limited public transport, they may feel this lifestyle is too quiet for them.
- A personality mismatch. An introvert may not enjoy a bustling community with abundant social time, while an extrovert may feel a lack of social connection in a community with limited activities.
- A spiritual mismatch. People of faith may find it challenging to navigate life without spiritual activities and support in a secular-focused assisted living community.
The unique needs of your loved one should take priority in determining if a move out of an assisted living community is the most ideal option. In the following fictional scenarios, see why moving out of assisted living was the solution to Jung-hoon and Selena’s unhappiness in their communities.
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Jung-hoon: A personality mismatch
Jung-hoon spent his working life as an accountant in his own private practice. He lived by himself for many years after his spouse passed away. He now enjoys spending time alone and working on things independently.
He had a recent fall at home, which resulted in an injury. Concerned for his safety, he decided to move into assisted living. He liked the idea of having someone to help him with his activities of daily living (ADLs), so he could avoid future mishaps.
After living in an assisted living community for several months, Jung-hoon began to feel unhappy. He told his kids about his unhappiness. He expressed that it felt like people were constantly stopping by his room to chat, which felt invasive to him after decades of living alone. He also felt overwhelmed by the constant stream of activities.
In this case, it may make sense for Jung-hoon’s family to explore the option of moving him from an assisted living community and into his own senior apartment. The family could hire a home care professional to assist with his ADLs at his residence. This would help Jung-hoon feel happier by living in an environment with supportive care, but without overwhelming social demands.
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Leah: A spiritual mismatch
Leah worked as a teacher at a parochial school and was an active participant in her religion throughout her adult life. She regularly walked to her place of worship from her home of more than 40 years.
When she began to struggle with ADLs, she decided to move to a secular-based assisted living community to receive support. Her friends recommended this specific community based on their own positive experiences there.
While the community had a large array of activities and many friendly residents, Leah found it difficult to maintain her religious practices without easy access to a place of worship. She felt unhappy because her faith fueled her purpose in life.
Her daughter suggested that, while this community may meet the needs of her friends, it doesn’t meet her unique needs for spiritual support. Leah decided to move to a religious-based environment in a Jewish assisted living community to improve her quality of life and access to spiritual guidance. She found happiness again through the spiritual-focused culture at her new assisted living community.
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How can I find alternative senior care for my parent?
It can be challenging to find the right fit for your parent’s unique requirements, but your journey to find another assisted living community or a home care service provider can be made easier by the skillful Senior Living Advisors at A Place for Mom. These caring professionals take the time to learn about your parent and find local senior care to support their individual needs — all at no cost to your family.
This article originally appeared on Aplaceformom.com and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org
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