Oscar Mayer is selling bologna face masks and we don’t even know how to respond

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OK, Oscar Mayer, this is just weird, even for me, and I’ve tried some very strange things recommended by beauty experts, models and “friends” (like Preparation H. No. I’m not kidding).

But never before have I considered that cold cuts may be the dry skin treatment I’ve been searching for all these years. Until now …

I know! I’m disappointed in myself, too.

That’s right. Oscar Mayer recently began selling hydrogel face masks that look like bologna. The company describes the new beauty regiment as an homage to the weird kid in school who used to bite holes out of his bologna for his eyes and mouth and use it as a mask. Remember that? Yeah, that’s the look.

Yes, cold cuts as cosmetic treatment are now a thing. Congratulations, Oscar Mayer, for having the vision and creativity that I — and apparently other cold cut manufacturers — have lacked all these decades.

While the face masks may not be actual bologna, I contend that if it looks like bologna (even if it doesn’t smell like bologna) we can definitely say it’s cold cut adjacent.

And, get this: The face masks sold out on Amazon the first day they were listed. The first day! Is it possible that people have been clamoring for bologna face masks all this time? Really?

Oscar Mayer says the face masks “improve hydration and moisture retention” by using a “hydrating and restoring hydrogel.” And while they are absolutely not food, they’re being sold at the tasty price of $4.99 on Amazon.

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