In some of the trendier cities around the country, folks are getting creative with their hair styles, and we’re not talking about the hair on their heads.
The p’stache (short for pubic mustache and pronounced like pistachio without the io) is now all the rage among those in the know. And it’s not just men. Women are also giving their privates a bit of p’stache pizazz.
Of course, if you keep up with such things, you know that regular maintenance of this area is nothing new. The au naturale hasn’t been de rigueur since the late ’70s. These days, a Brazilian wax is nearly as common as a standard haircut, and there are at least a few products specially formulated to cover up those pesky grays in your nether region. It only makes sense that something as creative and playful as the p’stache would eventually come along.
“What the p’stache does is elevate personal grooming for people who want to say ‘I care about myself and you should, too,'” said Jenny Evans, owner of Full Body, a salon in Portland, Oregon, where the p’stache was created.
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Evans shared with us some of the most popular p’stache styles her clients ask for:
Image Credit: DepositPhotos.com.
The Sam
Actor Sam Elliott may have the quintessential mustache for the modern era, and his namesake p’stache lives up to it.
“The Sam is the very essence of p’stachery – the one that started it all,” Evans said. “In this world of toxic p’stache-culinity the Sam wraps the beholder in a sensual embrace and whispers, ‘I hear you, I see you, I respect you … I will ravish you.'”
Image Credit: DepositPhotos.com.
The Zappa
Named after musician Frank Zappa, this p’stache is full and baroque. Whether you aim to piss off the man or just state your inability to connect emotionally, the Zappa will do you right.
“The Zappa is THE p’stache for discerning freaks everywhere,” Evans said. “If you want some freaky on your moon unit, the Zappa is for you!”
Image Credit: Jean-Luc/Wikimedia Commons.
The JVN
If a scorched earth approach to your new style feels daunting, the JVN is a great option. Named after Queer Eye’s resident stylist Jonathan Van Ness, this p’stache lets you keep what nature gave you and dress it up in a way that says you’ve got more than a little style and grace.
“The JVN, or the Emotional Support P’stache as it’s called in the biz, is a kaleidoscope of whimsy, artistry and gentle reminders that you are worth it,” Evans said.
FYI: The JVN is a high-level maintenance situation, including mustache wax and a lot of preening and trimming. No one just wakes up like this.
Image Credit: DepositPhotos.com.
The Seneca
Named after Seneca Crane, the head gamemaker in the movie The Hunger Games, this is a style also requiring some serious maintenance. But if you don’t mind twice-weekly trims, it makes a massive statement.
“The Seneca is super hot this season!” Evans said. “This p’stache breaks every rule. Do you zag when you should zig? Then this is the p’stache for you! It says, nay screams, you may assassinate me for my compromises, but never for my style!”
Image Credit: Lionsgate Films.
The Lemmy
If getting down and dirty is as much a part of your personality as whiskey and cigarettes are your Friday night, The Lemmy may be the style for you. Named after Motorhead’s legendary frontman Lemmy Kilmister, it is metal as anything.
“The Lemmy says ‘take me seriously, I am an artist!'” Evans said. “It speaks on a different level to everyone who experiences it. It takes both the wearer and the viewer on a journey…. it’s a really intense p’stache.”
Image Credit: Alejandro Páez (Molcatron on Flickr)/Wikimedia Commons.
The Hulk
You don’t have to be flexing your muscles 24 hours a day for attention with this p’stache named after the venerable wrestling artist Hulk Hogan.
“The Hogan does your flexing for you,” Evans said. “And let me tell you something brother, sporting this Southern horseshoe p’stache, you’ll rule every ring you enter and leave them all wondering if the whole thing was real!”
Image Credit: DepositPhotos.com.
The Nietzsche
For the brooding intellectuals and nihilists among us, this p’stache, named after the great German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, says you truly are an individual; a super man.
“The Nietzsche drives away the despair of meaninglessness,” Evans said. “Full and lush, this p’stache is on the verge of insanity. Remember, bald is dead!”
Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons.
The Magnum
If balanced and charismatic are words that best describe your personality, you may want to consider this classic choice named after Magnum, P.I., actor Tom Selleck’s Ferrari-driving investigator character.
“The Magnum is the answer to every mystery,” Evans said. “It’s lustrous volume says, ‘Baby, I’ll catch you if you fall,’ while it’s natural curl and bounce say, ‘I woke up this way!’ It’s a true classic.”
Image Credit: DepositPhotos.com.
The Fool
If you thought any of this was real, well, we’re sorry. It’s not. It’s an April Fool’s joke and you’ve been had. We hope you laughed, though.
Special thanks to Jenny Evans, who played the stylist. She doesn’t own a salon, but she did come up with some pithy quotes. In real life she’s a stylist of mannequins, windows and other inanimate objects for Macy’s, and has a wonderful sense of humor.
This article originally appeared on and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org.
Image Credit: DepositPhotos.com.
